Fantastic Four Review (2015)

In order to remind us that Fox owns the film rights to a couple of Marvel series, a reboot of the Fantastic Four (2015) was made. Fox still has movie rights to X-Men, as well. If not for the last two amazing X-Men movies, I'd say Disney is the only one that does Marvel movies right anymore. This is the fourth attempt at a Fantastic Four movie, including 1994 movie that never got released. Sooner or later Fox will have to accept they can't do a Fantastic Four movie that's worth seeing, and  it would probably be better in the hands of another studio. Perhaps this cinema atrocity will put them on the right path.

Transported to another dimension, four young outsiders gain superhuman powers which alter their physical form in shocking ways. Reed Richards (Miles Teller) becomes able to stretch and twist his body, while Reed's friend Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell) gains immense strength and a rock-like body. Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan) is able to control and project fire, while his sister Sue (Kate Mara) can become the invisible and generate force-fields. Together, the team must harness their new abilities to battle former colleague, Victor von Doom (Toby Kebbell) who poses a threat to Earth.

Really, that simple synopsis is everything that happens in this one hour and forty-six minute movie. They spend a lot of time showing us montages of the group creating an interdimensional transport, broken up with token bits of poorly done, awkward character development. Then they go to another dimension for a little while and acquire some powers. Then Doctor Doom shows up when the group attempts a second expedition and then they have to fight him. That's literally everything that happens. The first fight scene in this action movie is at the climax at the end! This might be the most boring and uneventful super hero movie to date.

I appreciate the fact that they were trying to get this new version of the Fantastic Four to be more character driven and more realistic on some level, but the result was so sloppy and poorly written. Compounding that with the fact that it takes itself very seriously makes it hard to enjoy. I understand that in the world of comic book based movies you have to allow for a certain level of whimsy, but so many plot devices and character abilities were left unexplained. As an example of these infractions, just because you can fly, your body can be engulfed in flame, and you can throw fire balls, doesn't really mean you have the strength or physical structure to smash through colossal stone pillars like Superman might. Why is this weird radiation energy from another dimension able to alter people's physiology, and why does it grant someone powers who had never gone to that other dimension? Why do they need space suits to traverse the other dimension early in the movie, but not later? Most of that could be explained with one or two lines of dialogue, but that wasn't bothered with.

One of the fun things about superhero movies is seeing our protagonists discover their newfound abilities. I love watching Tobey Maguire learn about his new powers in the first Spider-Man movie, or Tony Stark try to perfect his Iron Man suit. It's even funny watching Thor having to acclimate to a lack of powers he's always had. That scene was completely lacking in Fantastic Four. Our heroes make it back to our dimension unconscious, but exhibiting signs of their powers. Then we get a slow fade to black and a caption that says "One year later" and we catch up with everyone who has basically mastered their abilities by this point. It felt like we were being cheated of crucial character development and potential for humor. We didn't even get to see much of their reactions to new powers, let alone them trying to figure them out. It's stunts like this that made the movie much worse than it should have been.

There were several annoying changes made to the characters, some of which are really going to upset Marvel fans. Reed Richards is the most intelligent person in the Marvel Universe, and a couple of times, Victor erases and corrects Reed's calculations during a montage. An often critical device when fighting Doctor Doom in the comic books is that Reed is one of the few people that can outsmart him, but we're just going to ignore that, apparently. Doctor Doom was really bad, though. Doctor Doom's powers include technological manipulation and some mystical abilities like energy projectiles and creating protective shields. In this movie, he's psychic, telekinetic, can open gateways to other dimensions, can convert matter into energy, and can control rocks and apparently some weather. He just walks down the hall, and people die without him lifting a finger or even looking in their direction. Not only does he look too far off from what he is in the comic books, his powers and personality are so off the mark that he's basically not Doctor Doom at all. They don't even call him Doctor Doom in this movie, just "Doom" maybe once or twice. Doctor Doom is as far from his source material in Fantastic Four as Deadpool was in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and that disgraceful depiction of Deadpool made everyone furious!

I'd like to say that the graphics are at least good, and occasionally they were. There's a scene where Reed is trying to squeeze out of some constraints, and you see the muscles in his arm working even though his arm is stretched out. When you see him try to pull out of the constraints, still with his arm stretched, you can see his skin bunch up around the bands as he tries to free himself. Some things like that were pretty impressive. But there were other bits that were so lacking in refinement they may as well have come from a Sy-Fi Channel television movie, like Sharknado.

This latest Fantastic Four movie fails everything essential to make a good superhero movie. Good superhero movies need exciting action, colorful thrills, enticing visual effects, a few laughs, and characters we can relate to, root for, and watch grow and develop. Fantastic Four literally has none of that available. The story is extremely boring and slow. The first fight scene is at the end of the movie, for crying out loud! The characters aren't even likeable and are changed for the sake of the movie in all the wrong ways. The camera work was sloppy, transitions between scenes were often awkward and confusing, and the script is just terrible. The previous Fantastic Four movies were better than this, and that's saying something. This is the worst superhero movie I've seen since Daredevil or Elektra. I implore you not to see this in theaters; if this ends up as anything more than a box office bomb, Fox will just try to make a sequel. If for some reason you truly want to see this movie, wait for it on Redbox or something. It's certainly not worth the price of a movie ticket, and barely worth what you might spend to rent it.

Okay, what is the worst superhero movie you've ever seen? Marvel, DC, Dark Horse, any comic book series that has had a movie based on it. Comment below and let me know!

Sharknado 2: The Second One Review

In 2013, hype and gossip about the SyFy Channel's latest schlockfest, Sharknado, grew to such an extent that it was being talked about by several celebrities on Twitter and became a trending topic. This publicity was such that the SyFy Channel's encore broadcast of the movie was most watched film in the history of their network. When there is a reception like that and a production cost that low, it's the perfect conditions for a sequel. Thus, Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) came into being and was the highest-premiring film in SyFy history. And yes, it is every bit as stupid as it sounds.

Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) and his ex-wife April Wexler (Tara Reid) are flying to New York City to promote How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters, a book April has written about the infamous Los Angeles sharknado. As the plane comes in for a landing through a storm it is battered by airborn sharks in another freak weather storm akin to the one Fin and April survived. This time multiple sharknadoes are causing large ravenous killer fish to rain down upon New York City's unsuspecting population and cherished, iconic sites. As the only ones with experience, Fin and April are best equipped to save The Big Apple.

"Sharknado" sounds ridiculous enough, and indeed was probably a big draw for the first movie. But even the subtitle, The Second One, is hilariously stupid. The first movie knew it was ridiculous and was genuinely having fun with it. Sharknado 2 does its best to bring more preposterous scenarios and cheesy dialogue, the likes of which made the first move so delightfully bad. Attacking the sharks with swords, fire axes, and chain saws are not unheard of. In fact, the ridiculousness is pushed full throttle and just ends up remarkably silly. Things like physics are completely thrown out the window. It's as if the writers were thinking, "Wouldn't it be cool if Fin cut a great white shark perfectly in half lengthwise?" "Yeah! And to make it even cooler, he should do that while giving a speech! There's no way that wouldn't work!"

Similar to the first movie, the camera work was abysmal and gave little sense of space or direction. In one scene our heroes are caught in a cab on a street which is flooded with water up to the axles. There, naturally, are dozens of sharks swimming in these eight-inch-deep waters. They hoist a rope over a streetlight so they can swing to safety. Really, that should only get them maybe twenty feet away, tops. But the camera never shows us what our heroes have swung to. The top of another car? The sidewalk, which would also be flooded? Would it have killed them to take half a moment to show what it was they landed on? How safe can they be at that unspecified location when sharks can leap 15+ feet out of the water? Seriously, if you think about this movie at all, it completely falls apart. This is not in any way or by any means to suggest that it was well put together. Just sit back and enjoy the ridiculous madness.

There were a number of "celebrity cameos" in Sharknado 2. I use "celebrity" in a very generous way; it was more like washed up actors and obscure people that were desperate to appear in a movie. Most of these cameo roles made nods to previous roles the guests had played. Robert Hays was previously a pilot in Airplane! Judd Hirsch was a cab driver in Taxi, Jared Fogle was a longtime spokesman for the Subway restaurants, and Billy Ray Cyrus was a doctor in the TV series Doc. Al Roker and Matt Lauer appear as themselves hosting The Today Show and commenting on the insane weather conditions. Some of these characters' names are in-joke references to Jaws, having similar names to characters in the classic shark movie. Wil Wheaton was my favorite; he's pretty much great in everything he does these days.

The visual effects are still just as poor as the previous movie. The CGI lacks refinement, and are inadequately blended into the actual shot. You can tell the bad CGI storm clouds are added to what is obviously a sunny day; some shots have these lame storm clouds and others have clear skies within the same scene. The digital gore was actually slightly improved. Still very fake looking, but it did look somewhat more gross. We saw the chewed up face of a woman after a small shark gnawed on her for a bit. That was the only instance that made me second guess if this was in compliance with normal broadcast television standards. It still looked too fake to be taken seriously, though.

Sharknado 2: The Second One is just as dumb as its predecessor. The script is terrible and full of cheesy lines, the acting is barely above that of a soap opera, the special effects are painful to watch, and there are plot holes big enough that the Statue of Liberty's decapitated head could roll through. But like the first movie, Sharknado 2 knows it's being ridiculous and does not at all take itself seriously. If we are to rate the movie by how well they achieved what they set out to do, this is a phenomenal success, even if it is really bad! Granted, the schlock factor here is not quite as entertaining as it forerunner, but fans of this franchise are going to get a kick out of it. The only real way to watch this is with friends while laughing at it and making fun of it. But if preposterous, low-budget movies that don't bother to make sense aren't your thing, there's no way you'll enjoy it.

I've just discovered that a third installment is going to be released soon. Check your local TV listings for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! on the SyFy Channel, premiering on July 22, 2015.

How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters is an actual book. I have read it, and it is somewhat entertaining and talks about monsters from other B movies. It can best be described as a bathroom reader. Check it out on Amazon.com or at Barnes & Nobel. Available in paperback, ebook, and audio book formats.

What's your favorite ridiculous campy B movie? Are there any that are worth going out of the way to see? Comment below and let me know!

Sharknado Movie Review

Many years ago, double features were things that movie theaters would do. A big budget, highly publicized "A Movie" was the main event. This was followed by a low budget, less publicized "B Movie." They were often campy, cheesy sci-fi or horror films in the 1950's. Now, the movie industry is so dependent upon profits and marketing that most of the ridiculous low-budget camp fests never hit theaters because they likely won't make a lot of ticket sales. B Movies still come out every now and then; they are TV releases or are simply released directly to home video. One such B Movie, Sharknado (2013), has been taking the internet by storm. It sounded so stupid that I had to give it a look.

Thanks to global warming, the California coast is hit by its first hurricane. This coincides with a massive number of migrating sharks. The migrating sharks are scooped up by water spouts (a kind of tornado over the ocean) and begin flooding Los Angeles with shark-infested seawater. Surfer and bar-owner Fin Shepherd (Ian Ziering) sets out with his Tasmanian friend Baz (Jaason Simmons) and bar waitress Nova (Cassie Scerbo) to rescue Fin's estranged wife April (Tara Reid) and teenage daughter Claudia (Aubrey Peebles). As they trek across the panic-stricken L.A, man-eating sharks rain down upon them from the sky and attack from the flooded sea water.

Yes, Sharknado is every bit as ridiculous as it sounds. The very idea is just about as laughable as can be. The title and premise is so unspeakably ludicrous that I think it actually became a draw for a lot of people. It became a trend on Twitter for a while and was discussed through Twitter by Olivia Wilde, Mia Farrow, and the notorious geek icon Wil Wheaton among others. After gaining increased publicity through Twitter, the SyFy Channel's encore showing of Sharknado set records for the most watched encore film in SyFy history. Maybe there still is an audience for corny B Movie schlock films.

Sharknado gives us exactly what was expected from such an absurd title; something so unapologetically dumb and cheap that it is hard not to laugh at and occasionally with. The movie does not take itself seriously at all. It makes some allusions to other movies, though it's done with such an air of silliness that I'm honestly not sure if it's a parody or a reference. There are references from disaster movies like 28 Days Later and Twister as well as some shark movies like Jaws. Early in the movie someone kills a shark on the beach by cramming an air tank in its mouth and shooting it. Later while flying in a helicopter near a "sharknado," a shark bumps into them prompting the line, "I think we're gonna need a bigger helicopter."

Have you ever been so angry that you attacked a flying
great white shark with a chainsaw?

The special effects were pretty bad. There were a lot of bad CGI sharks that lacked texture and shading and weren't animated very believably. That's not uncommon for TV films, but it just stuck out like a sore thumb. There was a lot of stock footage of nautical storms in the same scene with people running for shelter on a bright clear day at the beach. I'm not sure if this was intentional for the sake of making the movie look even sillier or if it was just bad editing. While the film is "Not Rated" and has TV safe content, there is lots of terribly animated and fake blood splatter. It simply looks too silly to be taken seriously.

There are scenes of illogical destruction such as a hammerhead shark hitting the pavement which cracks under the shark rather than having the shark splatter. There's a scene with a shark attack inside a flooded residential home, even though there is no flooding outside the home. In another scene a swimming pool full of sharks explodes by pouring one gallon of gasoline and a lit matchbook into it. The sharks don't seem to have any mass since they are able to swim underneath moving vehicles that are driving through a foot of water.  I'm pretty sure all of that is not how physics works, but it does make for some laughable action sequences.

Sharknado is such a dumb movie. The script is absolutely terrible, the acting is on par with most television soap operas, the special effects are pitiful, there are holes in the plot that a Great White Shark could swim through, and the premise is so preposterous that it's almost painful to watch. But the movie is aware of all that. It really looks like the director, cast, and crew knew they were making a ridiculous movie and were genuinely having fun making a movie that they knew would be ridiculous. If we are to rate the movie on how well they achieved what they set out to do, then Sharknado passed with flying colors! What makes a movie like this fun is sitting around with friends while laughing and making fun of the terrible movie. Sharknado is very good for that! If you are the type of person who enjoys watching stupid movies for the sake of making fun of them, you simply must see Sharknado. If you are not, you'll just be annoyed by it. Either way, it's worth renting to see once; it's not worth the money to buy a copy.

Do you have a favorite stupid movie you like to watch just to make fun of it? What is it and what makes it so funny? Comment below and tell me all about it!